Engineering statements

Engineering is all about fun and frolic in 4 years. LOL just kidding! It’s sort of a society accepted sanyaas from the sins and joys of life. You don’t have a social life due to which your grandchildren suffer. They do not have your happening stories to listen to at bedtime. Okay, that may have been downright cruel. Sorry for the reality! Anyway, you future grannies and grandpas can surely tell your little ones some short facts if not lengthy stories involving muggles, fat monsters and pixies. Presenting some hilarious statements that you come across in Engineering through question papers, textbooks or social chats. Let’s roll!

HENCE PROVED

This statement is the Parliament of the Technical world. Delivering false promises of proving and accomplishing tasks but just goofing around and saying DONE! At the end. Numerical questions having this criteria are free 10 marks given to frustrated kids. I have literally seen people mug up derivations and write this very statement in bold and underlined.For someone who is not upright when it comes to survival, writes some random shit, be it 1/100000th of an Ashutosh Gowarikar movie and at the end, boxes Hence Proved so neatly, it would shame cleanliness.

WE KNOW THAT

This cracks me up whenever I write this. It is like we are doing a favor on our false notion that everyone knows the content we are writing. No, we don’t know it guys and girls! While stating a formula of some Fourier transform or some Laplacian equation or some microwave equation we shamelessly write ‘We know that’. They are not asking a fact like- Is Rahul Gandhi a dedicated nutcase? or Where does the goddamn sun rise? Write ‘I luckily know this because my cache memory freaking clicked right now’

WE ASSUME

Hypothesis is a beautifully surreal word. It makes us do crazy things! So adorable. When the whole paper is answered on logic and assumptions, why write we assume only “wherever necessary”. Why not use programming concept of brace brackets ( {} ) Write WE ASSUME at the top of the first page, start opening brace ( { ) and at the end of the 32nd page, close the brace ( } ). Creative huh?? HAHA or maybe just arrogant!

STUDENTS EXPECTED TO SOLVE THEMSELVES

Students-LOL.

Teachers-LOL.

Parents-LOL.

Your building watchman-LOL.

Easy Solutions-LOL.

Believe me, I came across this statement in I guess, if my eidetic memory is to believed, Applied Mathematics-IV by G.V. Kumbhojkar. Kumbhojkar please! Even you know expectation from an Engineering student results in scarring disappointment. Why  do you do this sir? We rely on Easy Solutions, readymade notes, high speed internet connection and Godrej frozen foods for survival. Expecting us to do something on our own is even more ridiculous than having the notion of Tarak Mehta calling it quits from television.

MAINE KUCH NAHI PADHA

This is said by the same guy who says ‘I don’t watch porn. I don’t indulge in alcohol and tobacco. I am a saint who was born when goodness and evil joined hands for maintaining universal balance’. Denial is in his blood. With an idiotic smirk and a report card which shows 70+ 80+ aggregate, this chump is hated by many for being unnecessarily covert and hiding their studying details. We aint asking your Internet history guys, just how much you studied out of human curiosity.

AGLI SEM SE PADHUNGA

Now see, if you aim at a politically flourishing career, this profession grooms you like none other. You learn the act of lying not only to your peers, society and university but also to yourself and later laugh about it. How politicians proclaim ki ‘Bas vote karo. Agle baar sab de denge’ , we tell our conscience the same-‘Bas ye baar casually liya. Agle sem se full serious’. We say this at the end of every semester and when we really are upbeat about implementing it, sem VIII arises. Calendar says LOL.

And then the GODDAMMED course ends

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An acknowledgement : “Growing up watching you” (literally)

I have been called a cartoon many a times in public as well as…. well public. Now, I am not quite sure about other parts of the world but being called a cartoon is not exactly considered as an honour bestowed upon you. I think it simply refers to a person who does things others a might like to do but choose not to (of course they have an image to maintain). I on the other hand not under such burden – no image to maintain (except for the cartoon one) proudly owe my approach to the

 Cartoons that I watched as a kid. So here goes, the list of acknowledgements for the project “Growing up watching you” (literally).

Acknowledgement

I would like to express the deepest appreciation to my committee chair Professor Ash, who has shown the attitude and the substance of a genius: he continually and persuasively conveyed a spirit of adventure in regard to catching all the Pokémon monsters in the world. It is his effort that made me believe that Pokémon’s actually did exist. It was a great pleasure watching you every day at 5.00 p.m. (8 year kids are participating in KBC, Singing in Indian Idol doing todu dance in DID. When I was 8, I was busy calculating who is more powerful- Pikachu or Raichu !! )and special thanks to Professor Brock for falling in every time he saw the same nurse, He taught me never to go for the same girl around town (even if She wears the same cloths and has the same name, but we can spare him since all the cops and nurses were considered to be different people) and how can I forget important member of the Gotta catch ’em all committee Ms. Misty for successfully carrying Togepi around which was an excitement in regard to watching. Without your supervision and constant help this dissertation would not have been possible.

I would like to express my special thanks of gratitude to my teacher Mr. Popeye as well as our principal Prof. Goku who gave me the golden opportunity to do this wonderful project on the topic “Growing up watching you”, which also helped me in doing a lot of Research and I came to know about so many new things. To mention a few include How to eat spinach from ones smoking pipe, Loser’s guide to dating a stick (read olive oyl) and one of the national (children’s) anthem “I am Popeye the sailor man *poo poo* “, the achievements of our beloved principle are never to give up, make friends and/or enemies with aliens and not to mention How to convert a cartoon into a daily soap. I am truly grateful sir.

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(Both the images are too good, so  couldn’t resist uploading both)

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I would like to thank my committee members, Professor Tom and Professor Jerry, whose work demonstrated to me that concern for global affairs supported by an “BOOM BOOM BAM BAM AND THEN #$%^#&$^@” in comparative race to ones food and how not to become someone’s food and use of modern technology in doing so (even if it meant torching town the entire house or the planet for the matter), should always transcend academia and provide a quest for our times.

In addition, a thank you to Professor Fred Flintstones, who introduced me to the future of the world (with petrol prices up our next generation Mercedes is shown below) and whose passion for the “Ya BA DABA DOO” had lasting effect.

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I thank the University of Dexter laboratory for their positive response on making a cartoon staring me and my sister and agreeing to keep the condition of anonymity and giving them names of Dexter and Dee Dee and not our real names.

I also thank Johnny Bravo Press for publishing the book “100000000000000 ways – How not to approach a girl“. His way of rephrasing Newton by saying “I did not fail; I just found 100000000000000 ways that do not work”. And not to mention for telling me the source of his constant enthusiasm and I quote,

“If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, you’re brave enough to ask that girl out.”

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I am really thankful to them. Secondly I would also like to thank my parents and friends (many of cartoons themselves) who helped me a lot in finishing this project (by being with me) within the limited time.

I also want to thank the CARTOON NETWORK Foundation for constantly downgrading their shows and making us realize the value of the above mentioned genius.

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 I am making this project not only for marks but to also increase my knowledge.

THANKS AGAIN TO ALL WHO HELPED ME.

A (slightly) romantic novel

“It was late at night. So like a gentleman, he decided to walk her to her house. Suddenly, without the slightest warning it began to pour hard…..”, by now I had made up my mind to punch my friend in his face the next time I meet him. It was one of the best romantic novels he had ever come across. No I wasn’t sure reading exactly 4 books would be considered as a considerable reading profile. But since all the books (numerically 4) were romantic novels. I decided to take his word (at least it was numero uno among 4 books). He suggested I should read it- by pursuing and then threatening (by saying he won’t give me his assignments to copy anymore, well that’s a nightmare for an engineering student).Since I am a die hard romance novel follower (my experience with romantic novels – nil). I was struck by his noble gesture.

 

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Now, as far as novels or anything with words is concerned I can finish it up in a single reading session i.e. except textbooks. So I decided to start it and end it quickly. I was not too enthusiastic from the beginning. I was with the author all along, that is till the line I mentioned before. It is then that I learned why I wasn’t much into romantic novels, they are far away from reality, may be a kilometer or two ahead of the fictional section. For the record even the fiction books talk about a few non-fictional situations many a times. I read romantic novels the same way I read fiction. I read it up to the very end and think “this is not going to happen anyway”.

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Let me point it out, lets keep our brains aside (first requisite to reading a romantic novel). Now as far as my experience with girls is considered (not counting my sister,mom and an old school teacher who used to hate being called a women) every time a guy tries to act as a gentleman. The one only thought that comes to her mind is “Lets friend zone him” or get into a relation with him (read make him a brother) or better tell your girlfriends what a pervy flirt he is. So point one, a gentleman and a girl,any girl cannot be more than friends. They are always after the “different” fools. Who are exactly the opposite to that of the guy described in the novel.

Now as far as the author is concerned, most of the authors are loners or married (“arranged marriage” ) and are describing their fantasy’s which didn’t quite see the light of the day. Now next, we haven’t yet reached a development phase where even the rain takes permission to shower down.

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The next line had me rolling on the floor with laughter, it said when it started to rain he (the hero) started to look for a shade , but she (the heroine or I don’t know what the lead of a novel is called) was more interested in enjoying the rain. See exactly my point because….OK a few pointers-
1. Girls don’t do that anymore (anyway).
2. If she does (since the hero was Indian) the guy would be enjoying the show instead of searching for a bunker.
3. The other thing is security, not from thugs but from being caught off the hands of uncle,aunt,neighbor,neighbors relative, the maid, the shopkeeper or even the dog in your area. As there are ‘n’ number of relatives and further ‘n’
number of their relatives. Relatives who wouldn’t give you a second glance on your best day, but would meet you at every corner of the street when with some guy or girl.
4. Girls are more concerned about their cloths than the life of the guy they are with.
5. It doesn’t quite rain unexpectedly in India…HELLO… we have a season named after it.
6. that’s a lot of fiction in a single line.

The story would then continue up to a kiss. Now , kissing is not permitted in these parts of the world, not unless you want to give a happy hour show for all the people around and have have to cave in for their “once more” demands. Then a few meetings and dates – a slight touch of reality. Then both realizing they are in love as if the romance in the rain and kiss didn’t make a point. And the the proposal. Ah yess !!! the damn proposal… in stories or even in movies girls propose or gives the guy few hints that she likes him (another part of fiction) but here if a guy doesn’t propose the story ends any way. Since the hints here include a smile or a small glance. Even a roadside beggar glances you when you walk away from him, that’s not a hint. I might be wrong in this case though I didn’t talk to the girl I liked in three years. So I won’t talk about proposals or proposing. I kinda miss her some times… *sob sob* (the first time I am agreeing to it)

 

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The only good thing about this novel was that it was not very much like few novels published by one of the authors many people enjoy. His stories are like, group of friends, small trouble, sex, more trouble,sex, few short paragraphs justifying the title of the book,sex and the end. Now , there are people who like these books and hate fifty shades of grey. Really ? whats the difference ? Now I might sound a bit narrow minded, most of the relationships I have seen (none I have been through) are going through troubled waters. The only difference is the “few” here occurs about every hour or two. Now it is not only that girls are at fault. How many times have you seen a romantic hero in a novel, looking at other girls ass with his girlfriend at tow. I highly doubt that. But how often have you seen it in reality. Only guys can answer this question.Since girls are facing the opposite direction such times.

More ever the novel ended like another childish fantasy – they lived happily ever after. Ohh common !!! girlfriends never become your wives at the most they become your email password. That’s it… the highest position of honor you can give

her. The only one thing even your wife won’t guess…. that is if you get a spooky wife. Which is very common since your wife was someones girlfriend before and is well aware of these tactics… You might say that you have seen a few successful relationships,and so have people reported of seeing aliens or their ships that doesn’t prove anything.

Your phone vs. my pygmy hog

“The irony is some phones are becoming smarter and people are becoming dumber…”

-ABC.

 

Well, heard of many cellular companies, a lot of competition is steaming up due to its popular demand. But its been a while since cell phones started the unspoken competition with T.V sets. Both of these good ol’ systems have been growing on the same manta – “THE BIGGER THE BETTER”

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Sure as hell I don’t mind that but you do realize one is lagging behind when my phone starts looking like a pygmy hog. Noe people complain about lack of privacy, sure bud !! when you carry a theatrical screen with you, you sure demand people drooling down from your shoulders over what you are doing. The size does matter there. Now one of the disadvantages of carrying the pygmy hog is that I have a tough time copying assignments, watching images and movies. Now the advantages (Yup the pygmy does give me a few advantages) I can type a text message without people peering over my phone to see what I am typing and smile one of those smiles that deserve a tight slap across their pitiful faces. When you carry the move theater more and more people are interested in what you are talking with. Now the owners of these “nexgen” phones have a false impression that the size of their phones does hide their conversations. But I am here to tell you my friends the large sizes only contribute in hiding your pink faces and smirky smiles and not your conversations. On the other hand it proves like a wall where the stalker may just place a ear and hear all your conversations.

Now one of the other thing that amazes me is the near real life experience that the cell phones provide. One such popular experiences is people paling temple run. I prefer people playing angry birds rather than temple run. Reason – In a train where you have to staring your chest muscles to just manage a breathe people playing temple run manage to run , jump and move around as in the herd of monkeys is running behind them. I soon discovered the reason for it. The controller mentioned to use the flip and sway functions of their phones. People do it with there bodies. whereas in the case of angry birds people don’t jump like the birds. And poor ones like me manage to steal in another round of fresh air.

Nowadays people are less sad when something really bad happens but are graved when the cell phone battery gives in. People seem to transform into stone age, because they discover many things that there cell phones had hidden away from them like the color of the walls really many people are unaware about it, the simple fact that the watch can also be used to check the time. And many more things. want an exercise (don’t cheat OK ! ) take your left hand behind your back. and with your other hand draw on a piece of paper in as much great detail as possible you wrist watch. And check your drawing with the original afterwards. Believe me your great details won’t be as great then.

Advantages of using the cellphone for guys (read playboys) was that they could keep track of all their external as well as internal affairs at the same time. And being available and unavailable to their ‘peers’ at the same time. Now the lager screens provide for large call waiting facilities. poor me….

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App-world is going crazier and crazier every few seconds. people are downloading funny apps every now and then. One of them includes alarm, now one of my “s,art” friends downloaded the “alarm” app using her “smart” phones but she was not”smart” enough. I then enlightened her on the fact that her phone was capable enough to wake her every morning using its sufficient enough alarm system. Other apps include well nothing much just some cheesy names and functions include everything and anything we could do ourselves with a little effort.

People become more and more engrossed in their cell phones. They rely on it for everything – talking to friends (whats app), time (even though he / she may be wearing a watch), remembering a cell phone number, take snapshots to increase the number of online picture collections they have and yes of course find way in a dark room.
It gets funnier and funnier ahead. well could have written more but my pygmy needs its weekly dose of charging. bye.

 

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The Gentle game

“I bowl so slowly that if I don’t like a ball I can run after it and bring it back”

– J.M. Barrie

 

I’m an Indian (and I have my adhar card !!!) and like every other Indian kid was exposed to a lot of cricket- on TV, on the grounds, on the roads, on the sidewalks, in the train, in the gossips in the newspapers  and in the classroom. Cricket was an integral part of my TV viewing schedule and watched even a Bangladesh v/s Zimbabwe match because I did not want Andy Flower to make runs. It never felt ridiculous that the slow, languorous game that goes on for days together and a spectator wouldn’t have missed much even if he missed out on an entire day of a game!

 

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 No, I’m not here to curse test cricket and other forms but a few candid reasons why I stopped watching the Gentleman’s game.

1)  It was just too slow

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I know many would argue that this is the very reason why T20 was introduced and arguments on those lines but still, there is too much of idle time. I can make pop corn, eat it, wash my hands, play a computer game and still when I come back, the bowler would be running in to bowl. All the tactics and field settings might increase the anxiety, but for me it just got too dull.

2) No Global Adoption

I wouldn’t consider a a country a World Champion because they are the best amongst some 12 countries. Now, that’s the definition of being statistically insignificant. Yes, no one stopped the other countries from participating but the very fact that no one else decided to show up tells one that hardly anyone cares. Maybe India with its billion people is a main reason why it can still be considered a popular sport. I want to see more countries play this sport. I’m bored of the same ties.

3)  They Play It Too Often

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Maybe because there are such few countries playing the sport, they keep on playing so that it gives an impression that everyone is playing cricket. The same two teams keep on playing each other all the time till they know each other so well that you wouldn’t be surprised the players paying visits to the opposition’s relatives.

4) Football is simply more interesting

Come on, let’s accept it. I was introduced to football and it just took the carpet off under my feet. I was thrilled. The through balls, the lofted pass, the perfect free kick, the sweet volley and the thundering bullet; all are very strong visuals. Short, crisp and to the point, football is a true global sport. Let’s play more.

5) Saurabh, Dravid,Sachin, Rohit ,Virat, is no longer the way he was

I loved the time when the Indian team was dependent on Kohli. That man is genius. He still contributes significantly but I hate it when he’s not playing. He’s almost always a motivation the watch. Respect.

 

6. A Wretched Viewing experience

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When a wicket falls, we expect to see the replay quickly and not a Pepsi ad. If something exciting happens during the last ball of the over, we don’t like missing any part of it. “Strategic Timeouts” may give a chance to push in even more ads but to us, they are nothing but a nuisance. These are not extravagant demands but basic needs for the people watching cricket on TV. Sadly, the BCCI and the broadcasters  have always taken the Indian fan for granted and the commercialization gets obnoxious at times. I cringe when my favourite commentators suddenly start talking about the virtues of a car or mobile like two-bit salesmen. If you want people to watch your programme, the least you can do is to make sure that you don’t irritate them.

Well, that’s all. I don’t have anything against cricket but well,  ”Dear Cricket, you just weren’t sticky enough.”

P.S. I still sit down for a India-Pakistan game for old times’ sake.

 

Our facebook Status

Here’s the deal. Back in 2003, I invented facebook. Then I showed it off to those darn Winklevoss twins and they stole my idea. I’m not entirely sure what happened after that, but the thing got made and has become relatively popular. (Do I hold a grudge? Nah. I’ve since invented the many other things which should make me very wealthy).

So, just how popular is facebook? It currently has over eight hundred million users. To put that in perspective, imagine one person using facebook. Now, imagine more than eight hundred million other people also using facebook. That should give you some idea of the scope here. And eight hundred million users means eight hundred million opportunities to post annoying status updates.

For your convenience, I’ve broken these millions of daily annoyances into ten and/or eleven user-friendly categories –

11. The Wildly Mundane – Let’s start with the obvious. People on facebook love to let their friends and loved ones know what they’re having for lunch, that they’re having trouble getting to sleep, and how much they dislike Mondays. It was neither amusing nor entertaining when Garfield told us how bad Mondays are…do you really think you have some new insight on the subject? Here’s a rule to follow, if you wouldn’t write it in a letter (remember letters? We used to update loved ones on our lives by writing on pieces of paper that were then sealed into envelopes…Google it), don’t put it in your status update.  “Dear Mom, Things are going well. Raj got that promotion. Sheetal made the swim team. And I had sandwich for lunch and hate Mondays.”

Garfield (character)Must be a Tuesday

10. Picture Puzzles – Have you seen these? Where something is hidden in the picture…or there’s a mistake to find. I actually like puzzles. What I don’t like is staring at my computer screen for twenty minutes trying to find a cat hidden in a giant pile of scrap metal and then, finally, convinced that there is definitely no cat in this picture, look up the answer and see the cat plain as day and feel like a complete idiot.

9. Very Specific Grievances – Nowadays, when people get cut off in traffic or are mistreated by a coworker, they run to their computer and put it in a status update. What are we supposed to do with this information? It never seems important enough to commiserate…“Oh, I’m so sorry Rahul borrowed your stapler and didn’t return it. Hang in there, buddy.” And what is the complainer trying to accomplish? The guy that cut you off is never going to read your status update and telling us about the people who’ve wronged you in small ways is never going to get your stapler back.

8. The Seemingly Clever – Often these are reposted graphics, sometimes they are original thoughts, but they always have one thing in common – at first they look like an Oscar Wilde quote, but upon further inspection, they make very little sense. Here, I’ll make one up. “If home is where the heart is, why do I keep getting heart burn?” Give it no thought, it sounds like it might be clever. But, trust me, it isn’t.

English: Oscar Wilde, three-quarter length por...Oscar Wilde…without heart burn

7. Pictures of Pets – Why do I need to know what my second cousin’s cat looks like? And just because we sat across from each other in one college PDT class doesn’t mean I want to see sixteen pictures of your dog napping.

6. Random Song Lyrics – This is a bizarre facebook phenomenon. It’s fairly common for people to simply post a rogue line from a song, with no explanation. Even stranger is that people often comment as if they understand what the person is saying. Status Update – “Milke bhi hum na mila ,aise na jaane kyu….Tu jaane naaa……” Comment – “Yeah, I hear you bro, I’m totally having an Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow rusty kind of day myself.”

5. Self Promotion – Bottom line, facebook is not a platform for self promotion…unless you’re just sending a friendly reminder about your self-titled humor blog. That’s perfectly acceptable. (Its because I do that, and never often encounter other’s doing so…)

4. Repost (If You Care) – Have you seen these pre-packaged guilt trips? They take a cause that only a heartless thug would oppose and then challenge you to repost some block of text. “I don’t like people that punch puppies. To show your support of the anti puppy punching petition, repost this message. Only a very few will care enough to repost, are you one of them?” It’s like a remorseful chain letter. Geez, I was just trying to see if that cute girl from high school is still cute and now I have to deal with this? Stop it already.

3. Complaints About facebook – People love to use facebook to complain about facebook. Which is sort of like singing a song about how much you hate music.

2. Anything Cryptic – I constantly see short, mysterious status updates like: “Finally, it’s finished,” “Oops, my bad,” or “Again?” I don’t know if these people assume that I follow their daily life in such detail that I know exactly what they’re talking about or if these are meant as teasers to get us to investigate further. Either way, I don’t care.

1. Virtual Updates – If you were my best friend and you owned a farm and you purchased a new wheelbarrow, this would not be interesting. So why would anyone think that the acquisition of a virtual wheelbarrow on a virtual farm would fascinate? Please stop telling me how your virtual Pot Farm harvest is doing. It’s imaginary. Your crops are as nonexistent as my interest in the whole endeavor.

You may very well be asking yourself what you should be doing with your facebook updates. I, for one, like to initiate thoughtful conversations (and just look at all the comments I inspire)…

Pose challenging questions…

And inspire the world…