Realistic plans for 2013

NEW-YEARS-RESOLUTION-HAPPY-NEW-YEAR-2012-FUNNY

2013. So here it is… a new year. You know what the fun of celebration of all events is going on decreasing. I don’t know what to blame for it, or whom. but what I know for sure is the Diwali, Christmas, Holi have lost a bit (about 90 %) of their charm.

But mourning about it will actually mean starting the new year on a sad note.

So lets start  fresh again, shall we ? New year is about fresh starts and new beginnings. About enjoying a new perspective towards the next 365 days to come. And how can we forget making resolutions.

making resolutions is basically making a few changes to the previous years resolution and taking a vow to bring it to immediate effect. Even last year I published a post about new year resolutions. But lets discuss something new.. something fresh…

So let us make realistic resolutions for 2013. As we are quite bitterly aware that resolutions do not last about more than first week of January. So lets get started:

1. Read less.

You know what it is very boring. Making this resolution helps only the old paper mart guy. It only involves waste of money and is also very difficult to maintain over a even a short period.

2. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 kgs.

Now this is relatively easy. Reducing weight actually involves tiresome and hectic exercises. but this one is very easy to keep as everyone who plans on reducing weight. generally ends up completing the above resolution. So why not adopt this very resolution from the very beginning.

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3. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Well you know as I did say before. It is a waste of time, energy and effort.

4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

Well from the last 4 years I have been trying to reduce my T.V. viewing. But you know what  watching T.V. is something i can do more than eat or even sleep. So this one is a relatively easier to keep.

5. Procrastinate more.

Time management is for losers. But you probably knew it didn’t you. And I have survived about the last 20 years procrastinating so I think this one is not as much difficult to follow  In fact you know what I will just write it down on the top of my agenda right now. OK. done.

6. Drink. Drink some more.

Not for everyone. but a few guys (and gals) who enjoy a sip now and then will find it easier to comply. And it won’t even hurt their conscience.

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7. Start being superstitious.

People plan to become more rational in the year and turn up bringing their lucky pen or wearing their lucky shirt for exams or important occasions. so rather lets be irrational in 2013.

8. Organizing…What the hell..

Nope a strict no no on the yearly revolvers mind. Organizing only tends to mess up more as we go nearer and nearer to wards the end of the month, let alone the year.

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9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Yeah heard it more than a million times. But naturally the other way round. but all it serves to is fattening the vendors pockets. And the same food tastes much more better with the sweeter (sweaty) hands of the server.

10. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

Taking up a habit is actually what everyone wants to do. but sadly the habit doesn’t live enough to see the thrd week of January. So better take up your addiction as a habit, you know what killing two birds in one shot-  Habit + pleasure.

SCORING IN A TOUGH ENVIRONMENT

Well guys, you know there was a phase in my life when it was very easy to score or even top in any subject.  I could just start studying any subject the evening before and easily score in that one i.e. come out with flying colours. And then I passed through school.

I won’t say life became miserable, because it was just the beginning. The only thing that has been come (or rather gone) flying are the answers out of head when facing the paper in the exam.

I was just clueless how to score in the exams. Rather just manage to pass…. But then I stumbled upon a technique. I won’t say it has changed my life, but rather will ask you to try (of course at your own risk) and do tell me the results. (By now I am sure the post has started sounding like that order now type of adverts that come endlessly on television)

I have tried a few of them (;)) in my exams but I am not sure if I will be alive to check out my result following all the dooms day craze. Friends do promise me one thing, if you survive after 21st please check my results and if the technique has worked , the first thing after you discover that you are alive. Will you ?

Now I am going to share the secret with you. Sadly I only have the scoring technique for Environmental Science Paper (EVS). Sorry for the inconvenience.

WARNING : All the content posted below was actually written in an exam by my superhuman friend. Please take care if you feel like trying it. May your soul rest in peace. Amen.

Page 1 :

Remember that it is an EVS paper so no marks are deducted for grammatical errors. Even if you write the same points again and again in the same manner. More like breaking hell out of English grammar rules. (Sorry for the quality the so called super human was chasing me when I was clicking the pics)

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Page 2 :

Now my my my, you have full authority to draw diagrams in the paper. Even if the content and the diagram (and even the question) may not have the slightest resemblance to the diagram

AND YES REMEMBER THE TEACHER MAY NOT ALWAYS APPRECIATE YOUR ANSWER. SO DO APPRECIATE YOURSELF FOR THE DRAWING (HERE : AMAZING)

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Page 3 :

Now the question is green house effect. I was taught that we have ozone layer and CFC reduces it. But sadly according to the special answer it was not true.

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As I said the teacher may not always appreciate you . But he is human too and is amazed at the talent in showcase.

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Now it is not a crime to write the correct answer once in a while. Even if the last point is kept for the examiner to complete.

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Last but not the least. Go to hell education I will always draw even if it means mounting solar cookers above dams which in turn are located above the urban streets. And of course the tradition continues no relation to the answer.:D

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I have done my job of sharing the SECRET.As I said try them at your own risk. May GOD help me in my EVS paper.

 P.S. : This post is and always will be dedicated to a hero who will not be named, right Chandu ? ooppps. No you didn’t read it.

Risky RICKS

One of the most amazing things I have come across is that what people can really give to each other on birthdays, which might just anything from very useful to almost useless stuff as their birthday gift. One of my friends whose birthday falls on today’s rather auspicious date asked me to pen down my thoughts on Rickshawwallas.

Now being a very thoughtful (!), considerate (!!) amazing (?) intelligent (??) and witty (#@&%$) blogger that I am (bwahhahahaha) I could have sternly refused for the excuse that I have talked about one such thing before.

But she being a wonderful friend of mine (I am not writing this cheesy line because she is going to read it.) may be I am..(nah! I am not)I decided to write this topic. Another thing I would like to make this very clear that I am not witting this because this is possibly one of the most cheapest gifts I can give her…..Did I sound a bit cheap there ? But you know what? I am silly? (Right Chitazzz)

So let’s start the drill. We should start from the beginning so let’s start from the beginning (I sometimes confuse myself with the types of sentences I write!!)

Now, people may call it hiring an auto, or you may not readily agree. Let us get a situation – you are in a hurry, you get out of the gates of your building. And your heart skips a beat on the sight of an auto. (With the driver sleeping in it with his legs on his seat and head on ours.). But behold even though you are happy the driver may not always share your enthusiasm. He may be standing on the way saying “Thou shalt not pass!” .Now the regular conversation would be slightly as follows:

Me: Bhaiya, station chaloge ? (Sometimes I think the main cause of their grumpy mood is even good looking girls call them bhaiya’s)

Rickshawalla (RICK):  Nahi !

Me: Par rickshaw toh khali hai. Aur mujhe jaldi hai.

RICK : Nahi.

Now this conversation may still go on with me pleading like a small boy to his teacher to give that half mark to pass an exam and he still continues with his monotonous “NAHI”. Some of them are generous enough to not even stop when you are waving your hand as if it is on fire near the road. I call them generous as the at least do not stop to insult you with their “NAHI”. If you are lucky enough to get a good (Ideal) rickshawalla then you may have done something really of some profound humanitarian cause to have such bliss.

Then when you sit. They drive like all the roads are deserted and there is some bomb attached to the bottom of the auto that will go BOOM if the needle goes below 40. And there are a few exceptions who travel so slow that you repent your decision of taking that auto as even cyclists overtake you with a grin on there face as if teasing you. And the hell breaks loose if you sit on the fourth sit.(Lucky girls ! they do not enjoy this plight!!) The driver takes about 10/11th of the seat and asks you to sit comfortably (!) in the reaming partitioned land. And to make it worse he enjoys poking you in your gut with their elbows, the situation becomes worse when it is raining. You have to shield yourself from the poking and the rain. A great balancing act. And yes you know the awkward moment when they try to drive and get to the fuel chock near you legs at the same time. And you are like “What the hell? Kya kar raha hai yeh ?”

Other salient features of our autos include:

  1. The headlamp so intense that even a candle will win head to head against it.
  2. Windshield that cracks if anything else (even wind) comes into contact.
  3. The polite driver talking to passengers softly at about 130 Decibels.
  4. Powerful engine that cranks up specially while going downhill.
  5. Weather proof hood that leaks only above passengers head.
  6. Teeny weenie wheels to dodge huge potholes.
  7. Exhaust pipe cum – silencer (which silences voices of screaming passengers.)

And on reaching the destination he makes a bit more effort to stop the auto a bit too far or behind than the desired location. Even if you are yelling on the top of your voice to make him stop or drive a bit ahead. Then comes the paying scenario. They never seem to have the change. It seems to me as an overdose of serials and movies where the hero or heroine says “Keep the change” (Aha! the golden words). Still I am glad that they do not give you those chocolates in place of the change like those misery shopkeepers (or canteen guys). You decide to learn from the new experience and teach these guys a lesson the next time (or possibly sue them). But the scene continues the other day you are in a hurry. You heart skips a beat on the sight of a rickshaw…….

And by the way ….

Happy Birthday Chitazzzzz….

P.S. Being an engineering student I have come to the realization that these IDEAL rickshawallas do not exist. Like many other ideal cases we study. 😛

Peoplz ON FACEBOOK

I have made a small observation (not as small as the list tends to be fairly big.) about the type of friends (creepy and freaky both) we have on Facebook. Sort of compiled a list and clicked the publish button.

Here its goes ,Too funny!

We all have one of each of these types of friends on our list:

1) The “Lurker” Never posts anything or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.
2) The “Hyena” Doesn’t ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
3) “Mr/Ms Popular” Has 4367 friends for NO (logical) reason.

4) The “Gamer” Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.) and then annoys the ones who don’t with the irritating request/s.

5)The “Prophet” Every post makes reference to God or Jesus or a genuine attempt to inspire someone. . (Kadu for you -in a good sense :D)

6) The “Thief” Steals status updates.. and will probably steal this one.


7) The “Cynic” Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.

8) The “Collector” Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.

9) The “Promoter” Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore. or probably block the guy FOREVER.

10) The “Liker” Never actually says anything, buy always clicks the “like” button. This guy or gal makes complete use of the like button. Common if it is free why not use it. May be they should be charged for liking…

11) The “Hater” Every post revolves around someone hating on them, and they swear people are trying to ruin their life.

12) The “Anti-Proofreader” This person would benefit greatly from Spellcheck, and sometimes you feel bad for them because you don’t know if they were typing fast, or really cant spell.

13) “Drama Queen/ King” This person always posts stuff like “I can’t believe this!”, or “They gonna make me snap today!”, in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what’s wrong but then they never finish telling the story. or keep you at your wits end with … ‘Feeling sad’ or ‘Why God why ?’ and you are like arrrgghhhhh….
14) “Womp Womp” This person consistently tries to be funny but never is.

15) The “News” Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary. With details like its raining, snowing. I am walking. Trains / Buses are late. I am dead.

16) The “Rooster” Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook “Good Morning” every day.

17) The “Agent” is a agent of some bollywood or Hollywood star, who is more interested in putting up the photos of their favourite star.

18) The “Photo Maniac” is the one very much interested in uploading their photos (although not always photogenic)

19) The “Long commenters” like writing around 80 marks answers to a small status on Facebook. (though from the heart but really loooooooooong)

20) The “Short commenters” are the people who annoy you completely off your wacking head with their ‘K’ (if you know what I mean.)

Which one are you be HONEST!! Or else don’t be and I will increase another one in the list.

Weird isnt it…..Full of questions

I wonder….

No really I wonder if God considered us intelligent enough to give us brains, he should have probably taken our ability to make out confusing questions. Or he may simply just provide us with the answers.

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I do have a hobby of collecting funny stuff. Its all over my PC. I too (hoping you too) have a few funny questions to ask to you or to anyone who is willing to answer them for me. So here you go :

  1. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  2. Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
  3. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? (this ones from an email)
  4. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
  5. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
  6. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? (Facebook)
  7. Does the “Alphabet song” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune ? (G ot a message changed the question to my needs :D)
  8. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are out?`
  9. Why do we open the refrigerator 100 times a day even though we dont wan anything ?
  10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?
  11. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  12. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
  13. If all the nations in the world are in debt(i am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)
  14. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo? (A text message)
  15. Why is a boxing ring square?
  16. Why is it that whenever we have had a quick bite out (and are full) MOM decides to serve all her famous delicacies at home ?
  17. In counterstrike even though the troops protect the country with their lives, yet the government makes them pay for their weapons ? (Where the hell do our taxes go ?)
  18. When in an examinatin the scholar guy never shows us the bit of his answersheet, and the average falunts them like six packs ?
  19. If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking).
  20. .Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows).
  21. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows.)
  22. Why is it called a “building” when it is already built? (strange isn’t it).
  23. At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
  24. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don’t they fall through the floor?  (very much copyrighted mine)
  25. When lightning strikes the ocean why don’t all the fish die?
  26. Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
  27. If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?

If you found it interesting….

Please do share it on facebook, twitter or anywhere and let the world go mad.

Will the world really end ? and what if it does …..

Yes the end is coming. Some say it is scheduled this year. Just for your knowledge, this is not a new phenomenon because as per the rich knowledge of a few people the date for the last day on earth was planned to be :

January 1, 1000 A.D. (Sadly the world did not end on this date)

March 10, 1982 (the same reason, maybe waited for my birth). So they went to

January 1, 2000 (Still the world refused to listen to man kind )

June 6, 2006 (I think the world waited for AVATAR  or AVENGERS to launch). So the near final date was zeroed to december 21/23, 2012. Now a few folks will be confused as to will the world really end on this day ?  Well I have come down to a conclusion these dates are like the solution for a question in an engineering maths exam. You always get the answer but are not sure if it is correct. And everyone has different ones…so you adjust the answer as per your convenience 😀

Now the scientists have also made themselves safe if the world does not end in December. They have also another date in mind ‘the year 3797′. So now equipped with this knowledge I was wondering what will happen if the world ends on 21/12/2012. You know it would have been better if God was on facebook. He would just update his status “BOOM”- and we would have happily commented, liked and shared it and then died. with smiles on our faces. That’s what I call AWESOME death.

Why would the world end on this date ?

A good question. Scientists guess – Solar flare or super volcano or tsunami or all at once. I predict may be the winrar license expires on that date. So even if the world does not end . It will be a heck of a life without winrar. Other possible reasons may include – facebook starts charging for membership, all the cell phones on the planet burst all of a sudden, all the channels show daily soaps at the same time or another twilight series begins.

What if ends on that day ?

The day is Friday. It should have been Monday, at least I would I have enjoyed 2 days of holiday (end of the world vacation). I would really like to see if all my experience of watching Bear Grylls is worth anything. Although he doesn’t show any tricks to save against a large wave of tsunami, but still its worth a try. I am pretty sure if we have confirmed reports about the apocalypse – then all the stores in the world will be flooded by calls from ladies inquiring for JUDGEMENT DAY SALE. People do have a right to look good when dead. But the simple logic is who will see you if everyone is dead.

Single boys will start looking for girlfriends and boys in relationships will start looking for more girlfriends. Not much knowledge of other things.

I have even made a list of things I may try if the world is really ending in 2012. Dont worry I will share a few good ones with you. I would like to….

  • Walk up to a small child that resembles me, and tell him that I am him from the future.
  • Go to a library and ask for a book on how to read.
  • When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I Won!, I Won!” “I Won!, I Won!”
  • Throw a small plastic ball at some body and then yell “get in your ball you stupid pokemon.”
  • Get into a taxi, when asked where the destination is, yell FOLLOW THAT CAR! And point at a car.
  • Hire two detectives and make them follow each other (Dont worry you won’t have to pay them either)
  • Walk into an elevator and say – You all must be wondering why I have gathered you here

What happens if the world does not end on 21/12/2012 ?

If the date of mass destruction is postponed again. Then when I have children I will show them the movie “2012” and tell them I survived it. Maybe a few people will kill the scientist who is making the miscalculation again and again. There is a high possibility that all the courts in the world will be overflowing with divorce cases. All the hard drinks in the world will be exhausted.

Well one thing is for sure,If the world does not end on december 21 then a lot of babies will be born in September 20,2013.